I am last on every list.

How can this be?

I am the person who makes the lists:  grocery lists, trip planning, daily to-do lists and the lists go on and on, yet I can't seem to find time for me.  

And, it isn't finding time for something indulgent, just time to take a bath, read a book, do something that serves me rather than serves everyone else in this family. It is heartbreaking really. 

To live a life ignored. 

Invisible.

Until we meet again. 

Sleepovers.

College Campus Tour.

College ID camp.

Woke up to no creamer . . . 4 degrees outside.  Can I just drive to the store in my robe?

Crossants baked.

Now the chore of picking up after everyone and begging them to take care of their own stuff.  It angers me that I have allowed myself to live in a way that is out of alignment with my true north. My ideal is that we would have only what we need.

A week after the huge project that took months--my first bites were only 15 minutes a weekend, then daily 15 minute bites and then I knew I would have time over Christmas vacation.  In the last hours of that vacation is when I finished the enormous project.  I ate the elephant one bite at a time.

The basement project was life changing.  The same way death, divorce or a deadly diagnosis.  It was a journey inside of my Hero's Journey.  

Until we meet again.

Mass at the High School today.  Always amazing to be around 1200 kids worshiping--even though some of them aren't . . . they are there and that is half of the equation to a spiritual journey.  Showing up.

Father Snow had a very simple homily.

To be good at anything, you must first learn to listen.

Parents.

Teachers.

Doctors.

Laywers.

Kids.

Everyone.  

It reminded me of Stephen Covey's habit:  seek first to understand and then be understood.

That is my goal.  To step out of judgement and into pondering what is really going on, dig deep, seeing with a quiet heart not a busy mind.

Until we meet again.

Today on FB, an old friend commented that he wasn't going to comment to keep our "Facebook Friendship".

I found this interesting.  A Facebook Friendship.  I'd never heard of that and thought it might be similiar to the "Minnesota Nice" concept.  You know, they talk nice to your face but then belittle in hushed and not so hushed tones.  I did not make it up but when someone told me about Minnesota Nice it made complete sense to me--not necessarily the Minnesota part but the two-faced persons that we must deal with.

I posted on how wonderful I though Oprah's speech was.  She was the perfect person to give that speech at this time.  I aspire to write like that and express myself in such a concise and moving way. I felt as if I could have given the speech myself.

Then I get this comment on my feed.

This is my reply.  It is my personal mission, my voice, my manifesto:

Our friendship is rooted in compassion and understanding. You can go ahead and think I'm full of shit--you won't be the only one thinking that. Much of what Oprah said I could have said myself. So if you are righteously "saving" our friendship, don't. This goes for anyone in my feed--unfriend me now!

The rest of my life is going to be about inviting people into a space of love, kindness, compassion and curiosity--without judgement. We are all one and we are all walking each other home. I respect that you may take a different route than I, and I encourage and welcome that same respect.

And so it is.

Until we meet again.

I am a planner.

I am a list maker and checker off-er.

I get shit done.  Slow and steady.

This year I have the same planner I have (not) used the last several years.  I start out just fine and then . . . I stop.  Why would that be?

I gave it some time in meditation and long cold walks with Dexter and I had a glint of insight.

The planner ends up being for everyone else's plans.  The kids' schedules, Eric's schedule, even the frigging vet appointments make MY planner.  But not my own plans, my hopes, my deep desires and passionate longings. Somehow along the way, I stopped planning my life despite getting the planner.  

A disconnect.

This is how I know this year will be different for me.  I'm taking back planning my life.  I'm putting myself into my own planner.  My hopes, desires, wants, needs, passions.

How am I doing?

2 days in and I feel like I can live out the desires of my heart and the practice that makes my soul sing.  My planner is divided with family stuff and my stuff with a strong balance.  Some days will be kid heavy and some days will be Renee heavy with every day filled with love--and so it is.